February 7, 2018
6 months have passed where I have had very few words to speak. Many thoughts to think with little coming to verbalization. I’ve turned away from social media, from my writings, from my practices, from my family and friends. I’ve entered completely into me. Into myself. Reliant on nothing else but my own breathing and the sound of my heart beat to get me through the darkest corners of me.
Running, hiding and escaping to the fullest degree in order to learn some hard and oh so necessary truths, in order to open my heart. In order to love without anxiety. In order to trust in my highest voice. In order to reprogram. Re-awaken and evolve.
I think there is this sweet misunderstanding of the reality of finally getting tired of your own bullshit. Sometimes we see it in glimpses, in a mirrored effect from others, and sometimes we need it to blow up in our faces in many different ways before the divine message sticks. Knowing this, I find time to cultivate a deep gratitude and maybe a belly laugh or two as I resurface into my newest self.
Being kind to yourself through the process. What does being kind mean to you? If your friend was suffering how would you show kindness to them? Through the carefully places words and actions? Through supporting and holding space? Can YOU decide to apply those same heart filled actions towards YOURSELF in times of need?
Diving deep into your own trust. TRUST that the resources you find within yourself are necessary lessons to apply. Those gems and gifts that can need to be dug up through years of oppressed voices and limiting belief systems, in order to be discovered. Sometimes it takes time and work to be in these spaces to develop our personal skills. Just like finding the diamond in the ruff.
February 22, 2019
Alas another year has passed since I’ve taken a moment to put onto screen what yields so loudly in my body. The reality has been that the creative notion to come forth and be heard, to formally and publicly speak my soul into the webbings of this wireless temple has been something I’ve not had energy for, avoided when I found that missing energy and feared for the world, for you, to truly read what I am offering.
Radical vulnerability. The woman I once was will not lay her bones to rest inside of me until I share her story.
For it was this time last year my body bled for weeks upon weeks, eight to be exact. A strong never ending red river floating upon guests of guilt, shame, grief, judgement and heartache. The energetics of me were depleted in the sea of red. This sacred blood which I revered monthly had turned into hatred. As I bled out so did the life that was growing inside my womb.
“I am I broken? Why won’t she stop bleeding?! Will this blood run forever? Will I slowly fade into the underworld?”
Truthfully, I died. Many times over. Greeted by Lady Death, her arms wide open. I had found my new home.
I had nothing left to give in the months to come. I buried myself deep into the blanket of darkness. Sickness. Immune disfunctions. Wave after wave. My body took a thrashing. She shut down and I tried to stay with her.
There were no lights, just a cocoon of an endless black void that would encircle me. Emptiness. Yet, in some way I was not empty. I was overflowing with emotion and sensation. It was this internal battle that presented the ultimate chaos.
The seasonal Spring brought forth more and more of my internal Winter. I couldn’t feel the sun against my skin, no matter how long I’d sit outside. I’d open my arms to the heat, touch my hands to the earth and tears would swell in my eyes pouring over in endless streams. The heart ache would pound against the inside of my chest stinging like salt to an open wound. Parts of me would beg to feel the joy of living. Of being alive, but Lady Death wasn’t finished with me yet. Writing this now, in reflection the heartache hasn’t ever gone away, there is just less salt pressing on the heart.
Some time has passed, 365 days or so, and my wounds have had time to breathe. As I have had what feels like a life time of rest. My beautiful bones can start to re-awaken out of the arms of Lady Death & into the world of the living. However small she still keeps parts of me with her.
Forgiveness. A foreign word in my English vocabulary.
A concept that I did not, and could not understand until I was ready. Until I made the choice to lean into the trust of life again. Through forgiveness I am able to curate love and gratitude, first for myself, my body, my womb, my heart, my inner child and then outward. The experiences through life-death-rebirth on a literal and metaphorical level allow the concept of living to be finite and wonderful.
I’ve been weaving into my teachings more and more the importance of the lessons that occur in the darkest moments of winter. The stillness. The Witch that I am awakening into is not afraid to midwife death & rebirth. Moving through stillness (death) that lasts more than 30 minutes. More than a few days. More than a week.
There are moments when all time and space pause. Your logical mind and intellect have no point of reference. All mind knowing gets erased and eradicated. There is only this space that is left of expansion. This dark void became a familiar place to which I had many times before visited not only earlier in my childhood, also in the dream world and in my pranayama practices. This void became the Ocean to me when I thought I was seeing a single drop of water.
There is so much beauty to be extracted when the light is absolved. Even momentarily.